No Place Like London

(Johnny Depp, Jamie Campbell Bower)

Antony:
I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders
From the Dardenells, to the mountains of Peru
But there's no place like London!

Sweeney:
No, there's no place like London.

Antony:
Mr. Todd?

Sweeney:
You are young. Life has been kind to you.
You will learn.

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit
and it goes by the name of London.

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed...

I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Peru
but there's no place like London!

Antony:
Is everything alright, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney:
I beg your indulgence, Anthony. My mind is far from easy. In these once-familiar streets...I feel shadows, everywhere.

There was a barber and his wife
and she was beautiful...
a foolish barber and his wife.
She was his reason and his life...
and she was beautiful, and she was virtuous
And he was naive.

There was another man who saw
that she was beautiful...
A pious vulture of the law
who, with a gesture of his claw
removed the barber from his plate!
Then there was nothing but to wait!
And she would fall!
So soft!
So young!
So lost and oh so beautiful!

Antony:
And the lady, sir? Did she succumb?

Sweeney:
Oh, that was many years ago.
I doubt if anyone would know...

I'd like to thank you Anthony. If you hadn't spotted me, I'd be lost on the ocean still.

Antony:
Will I see you again?

Sweeney:
You might find me if you like; around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder.

Antony:
Until then, my friend.

Sweeney:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and it's filled with people who are filled with shit!
And the vermin of the world inhabit it...

The Worst Pies in London

(Helena Bonham-Carter)

MRS. LOVETT:
A customer!

Wait! What's your rush? What's your hurry?
You gave me such a -- Fright, I thought you was a ghost!
Half a minute, can'tcher sit! Sit you down, sit!
All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks!

Did you come here for a pie, sir?
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague--
(Ugh! What is that?) But you think we had the plague! From the way that people, keep avoiding--
(No you don't!) Heaven knows I try, sir! But there's no one comes in even to inhale!
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?

Mind you, I can't hardly blame them
These are probably the worst pies in London!
I know why nobody cares to take them,
I should know, I make them,
But good? No!
The worst pies in London,
Even that's polite!
The worst pies in London,
If you doubt it, take a bite!

Is that just disgusting?
You have to concede it!
It's nothing but crusting!
Here, drink this, you'll need it!
The worst pies in London...

And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is -- when you get it
Never -- Thought I'd live to see the day
Men'd think it was a treat
Findin' poor -- animals
Wot are dyin' in the street!

Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop!
Does her business but I notice something weird.
Lately all her neighbors' cats have disappeared!
Have to hand it to her --
Wot I calls, "enterprise"!
Poppin' pussies into pies!
Wouldn't do in my shop!
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!
And I'm tellin' you, them pussycats is quick...!

No denying times is hard, sir
Even harder than the worst pies in London!
Only lard and nothing more --
Is that just revolting,
All greasy and gritty?
It looks like it's molting,
And tastes like...
Well, pity

A woman alone,
With limited wind,
And the worst pies in London!

Ah, sir, times is hard,
Times is hard...!

Poor Thing

(Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham-Carter)

Sweeney:
You got room over the shop, don't you? Times is so hard, why don't you rent it out?

Mrs. Lovett:
People think its haunted.

Sweeney:
...Haunted?

Mrs. Lovett:
Yeah. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago, something happened up there. Something not very nice...

There was a barber and his wife
And he was beautiful
A proper artist with a knife
But they transported him for life
And he was beautiful...

Barker, his name was. Benjamin Barker.

Sweeney:
...What was his crime?

Mrs. Lovett:
Foolishness.

He had this wife, you see
Pretty little thing, silly little nit
Had her chance for the moon on a string
Poor thing! Poor thing...
There was this judge, you see
Wanted her like mad
Everyday he'd send her a flower
But did she come down from her tower?
Sat up there and sobbed by the hour
Poor fool.
Ah but there was worse yet to come, poor thing...

The Beadle calls on her, all polite
Poor thing, poor thing
"The Judge," he tells her, "is all contrite, "He blames himself for her dreadful plight, "She MUST come come straight to his house tonight!" Poor thing, poor thing!

(Ball music)

Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing!
They're having this ball all in masks
There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing
She wanders tormented and DRINKS, poor thing!
'The Judge has repented,' she thinks, poor thing "Oh where is Judge Turpin?" she asks... ...He was there alright! Only NOT so contrite!

She wasn't no match for such craft, you see
And everyone thought it's so droll!
They figured she had to be daft, you see
So all of them stood there and LAUGHED, you see
Poor soul! Poor thing!

Sweeney:
--NOOO!! Would NO ONE have mercy on her?!

Mrs. Lovett:
So it IS you! Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney:
NO! Not "Barker" -- That man is dead. It's "Todd" now, "Sweeney Todd." And he will have his revenge!

My Friends

(Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham-Carter)

Sweeney:
These are my friends, see how they glisten?
See this one shine, how he smiles in the light,
My friends, my faithful friends...

Speak to me, friend; whisper, I'll listen.
I know, I know, you've been locked out of sight
All these years! Like me, my friend!
Well, I've come home -- to find you waiting!
Home, and we're together...
And we'll do wonders...
Won't we...?

Sweeney
(Mrs. Lovett)

You there, my friend,
(I'm your friend too, Mr. Todd.)
Come, let me hold you.
(If you only knew, Mr. Todd.)
Now, with a sigh,
(Ooh, Mr. Todd,)
You grow warm in my hand...
(You're warm in my hand...)
My friend,
(You've come home)
My clever friend...
(Always had a fondness for you, I did...)

Rest now, my friends.
(Never you fear, Mr. Todd.)
Soon I'll unfold you.
(You can move in here, Mr. Todd.)
Soon you'll know
-Splendors you never have dreamed all your days... (Splendors you never have dreamed all your days-)
(Will be yours!)
My lucky friends!
(I'm your friend-)
Till now your shine
(Now you're mine!)
(Don't they shine beautiful?)
Was merely silver.
(Silver's good enough for me,)

Friends,
(Mr. T...)
You shall drip rubies,
You'll soon drip precious...
Rubies...

Sweeney:
AT LAST, MY ARM IS COMPLETE AGAIN.

Green Finch and Linnet Bird

(Jayne Wisener)

Johanna:
Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate sitting in cages
never taking wing?

Outside the sky waits, beckoning! Beckoning!
Just beyond the bars...
How can you remain staring at the rain
maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing, anything?
How is it you sing?

(music) My cage has many rooms, damask and dark...
Nothing there sings, not even my lark.
Larks never will, you know, when they're captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.
Ah...

Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird,
teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly...
Let me sing.

Alms Alms

(Laura Michelle Kelly, Jamie Campbell Bower)

Beggar Woman:
Alms! Alms! For a miserable woman!
On a miserable chilly...morning...

Thank ya sir! Thank ya...

Antony:
Ma'am, can you tell me who's house this is?

Beggar Woman:
Ah--That's the great Judge Turpin's house, that is...

Antony:
...And the young lady who resides there?

Beggar Woman:
O-Oh that's Johanna...His pretty little ward...Keeps her snug, he does...All locked up...So don't you go trespassing THERE, or its a good whipping for ya -- or any other young men, with MISCHIEF on his mind--!

(Insert only in soundtrack) --How would you like a li'l MUFF, dear, a li'l JIG-JIG, a li'l BOUNCE AROUND THE BUSH--! Wouldn't you like to push me PARSLEY, it seems to ME, dear, that you got PLENTY THERE TO PUSH--!]

--Alms! Alms! For a DESPERATE woman...!

Johanna

(Jamie Campbell Bower)

Antony:
I feel you, Johanna
I feel you...

I was half convinced I'd waken,
Satisfied enough to dream you.
Happily I was mistaken,
Johanna....

I'll steal you, Johanna
I'll steal you...

Do they think that walls could hide you?
Even now, I'm at your window.
I am in the dark beside you...
Buried sweetly in your yellow hair!

I feel you, Johanna!
And one day I'll steal you!
Til I'm with you then,
I'm with you there!
Sweetly buried in your yellow hair...!

Pirelli's Miracle Elixir

(Edwards Sanders, Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham-Carter)

Toby:
Ladies and Gentlemen!
May I have your attention please?
Do you wake every morning in shame and despair
To discover your pillow is covered with hair...
What ought not to be there?

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
From now on you can waken at ease!
You need never again have a worry or care,
I will show you a miracle marvelous rare!
Gentlemen, you are about to see something what rose from the dead--!
...On the top of my head!

Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir
That's what did the trick, sir,
True, sir, true.
Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir!
Just like an elixir ought to do!

How about a bottle, mister?
Only costs a penny, guaranteed!

Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir?
You can have my oath, sir, 'tis unique.
Rub a minute - stimulatin', in'it?
Soon you'll have to thin it once a week!

Sweeney:
Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?

Mrs. Lovett:
Are we standing near an open trench?

(Sweeney: Are we standing near an open trench?)
(Mrs. Lovett: Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench?)

Toby:
Buy Pirelli's Miracle elixir
Anything wot's slick, sir,
Soon sprouts curls.
Try Pirelli's; when they see how thick, sir,
You can have your pick, sir, of the girls!

Toby: Wanna buy a bottle, missus?
Sweeney: What is this?
Mrs. Lovett: What is this?
Sweeney: Smells like piss...
Mrs. Lovett: Smells like "EW!"

Sweeney: Looks like piss...
(Mrs. Lovett: Wouldn't touch it if I were you, dear!) Sweeney: This is piss, piss with ink.

Toby:
Let Pirelli's activate your roots, sir--
Sweeney:
Keep it off your boots, sir! Eats right through!
Toby:
YES, get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it; ladies seem to love it--
Mrs. Lovett:
--Flies do to!

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